DISORDER IN THE COURT
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters in the '70s - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent
 
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
             _____________________
 
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
             _____________________
 
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
             _________________
 
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
             ______________________________
 
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
             ______________________________
        
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name Is Susana
             ______________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
             __________________________
 
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
            ___________________________  
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
             _____________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
             _____________________________________________
 
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
             _______________________________________________
 
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
             _______________________
 
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
             __________________________________
 
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
             ___________________________________
 
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
     notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
             ____________________________________________________
 
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
             __________________________________________________
 
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
             ______________________________________________________
 
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
             _____________________________________________________
 
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
             __________________________________
 
And the best one of the lots is:
 
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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A PLANE ACCIDENT 
 
 A plane had crashed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, leaving the passengers stranded on deserted islands. As it happens, there are groups of three people of different nationalities (2 men and a woman).
 
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
 
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.  
 
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-à-trois.
 
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
 
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
 
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
 
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
 
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
 
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
 
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
 
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
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PROUD TO BE BRITISH
 
Very proud to be British because...
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house fastel than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk a1l the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large  fries,and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to taIk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last real after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a  lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years  after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull while throwing up into the toilet.
 RULE BRITANNIA!
 
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MEN ALSO HAVE THEIR RULES

 We always hear "the rules" from the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules. Please note that they are all numbered "1" on purpose.
 
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up: you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.   .
1. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair - ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!! Obvious hints do not work!!! Just say it!!!!
1. We do not remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - maximum. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress ?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.
1. Come to us with a problem, only if you want help solving it.That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissable in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle.We are going to look anyway.It's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say what you have to say during the commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong . We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the offside rule, the shotgun formation, or cars.
1. You have too many shoes.                                              --..
1. No... No... you really do have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
 Thank you for reading this; Yes I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
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Some funny comments from feminist women:
 
- Behind every successful woman is. . . herself
- Oh my god, I think I am becoming the man I wanted to marry.
- Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
- A woman is like a tea bag .. you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
- So many men, so few who can afford me!
- Coffee, chocolate, men: some things are just better rich.
- Don't treat me any differentIy than you would treat the Queen.
- Of course I don't look busy. . .
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
 
These are useful only if you're really stressed out:
 
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
- I'm out of estrogen and 1 have a gun!
- Warning: 1 have an attitude and I know how to use it!
- Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to bide the bodies